wed 2/25/19 1109 am
just woke up
poliwat gets a new site cause I got a virus and lost everything but an export on the previous one - you can find those logs here https://beta.poliw.at
recorded jordan’s set at take over tuesdat
I worked the door at the back and front and read the simululations of god
and talked about it to whoever asked || bunch of nice people but chris was way too fucked up but he just got back from paris so idk maybe he’s depressed about coming back
started the day off right, got a ride from jacob he showed me a sweet new path to the music building on campus
hungout with david dunn and took apart my laptop with his philips screwdriver
2 dope grad students were in there hanging out as well, I felt very much at home in that room
walked from campus to hunters by burger, and used his longboard to get to the O’Neil house off west cliff
didn’t eat anything but chips with hunter round 6 till brianna swooped me from motiv later in the night around midnight and we tried to eat everywhere around town but it was all closed and I needed a decent meal but ended up at ferrells at like 3 am and it was like enterin fallout like 8 homeless people the asian doughnut guy and us || fun tho
currently freaking out about the lost work
brianna and I are fighting
the storm took my telescope, it’s broken out on the deck.
and jelly just broke two glasses aha
wow I had the craziest day
am I savage one sec replying to robert I’m sorry it took this long
was in the ER today
I engaged in a poe death when I got into the shower
but the people around me saved me and long story short I’m here now in the middle of the night and can finally think to myself for a minute while everyone is asleep. This room is fun it’s a slumber partytype scenario, we have jelly brianna ian and fujii all asleep. Jordan’s sleeping in the other room but him me and ian made a newtrack we started around midnight and cleared up just a litle bit ago. It’s sweet, I managed a 1 take wonder on this strange mandolin type spinoff. what are the odds that the first note I played was the root? An instrument I’ve never played before and got everything we needed in a one take across the whole track. It really tied it together at the end.
But I can’t express how I feel about the broken laptop situation.
I found a good poem on the floor of the shower, and recorded halfway through the shower session. that was this past morning. I found myself unable to get up - but somehow got to the bedroom, naked next to the space heater on the floor, and it felt like 3 iterations of the same problem. I couldn’t stand the fuck up.
it took a long time - jelly saved my life
I was going through the dying process in the bedroom there - really fading inbetween the room and dark places. I threw up in the shower but not in the bedroom. but I had snot all over mself and this sacrificial towel that definitely needs to be washed now.
I only recorded about a third of the break down which feels appropriate - I was too busy engaged in it that I didn’t care about recording, but have some muscles that get that shit going out of habit so that helped - GOT FIRE ASS AUDIO AT THE FUCKING ER that’s for sure
I was a little jabby to the people there, they were retards. I told them I need an IV 10+ times and essentially waited 5 hours or whatever it was and they were like we can’t give you an iv and I got a script for nausea
FUCK YOU DOMINICAN I KNOW WHAT I NEED FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
you should’ve just run an IV into me in the waiting room
the popsicles were nice though, I let them melt and slowly sucked
so they’re retarded and I’ll probably see them again soon.
I just got into a dangerous mental state where I chose to die over eat - and took that seriously
In the waiting room brianna read homo deus to me and that book is so stupid but I got a lyric out of it - I’ll pee and find it now
cant find it
I lose my mind when I can’t make art, that’s for sure
There was a solid 20 minutes where I really thought I was going to die, 2-3 20 minute sessions to be exact. it was strange I modulated between snotty, tears, manic laughter, crying for help, and cycled consistently through those 4 modes for about 3 hours total - but luckily no one was around for most of it. Jelly had to pee really bad so she came in the shower and I think she then came in the room and found me on the floor both times, she was great moral support. I got dressed on my own but she helped me find my clothes and I got dressed while glued to the floor. I threw up all overmyself in her car and now I need to clean it tomorrow, and we picked up brianna and dropped us off at the ER
it was in the shower, then in the bedroom, then in the car where I really thought I was going to die.
it felt like one of those artist deaths you hear of - full of terror and pain and quite an arduous way to go. But I had submitted to it. I found myself in a dangerous cognitive state - I wanted to die. I got out of it. I just am going to go through it again I can feel it. I feel this gnawing in every situation while talking to everyone at the house, downtown, and about. It feels a bit like having a metal rod pressing up against the back of your throat and running down your gullet and somehow touching every inch of your spine. I don’t want to live like this, but I just see so many signs it’s hard to ignore
I currently don’t feel like I’ll survive this next year.
I gave my last dime to a homeless lady! Brianna gave her a few bucks the other night.
I just can’t produce well because of technical restraints- I am sitting on 3 broken laptops right now and this one is ubuntu, so I guess I should get some reaper going on here, which I know I’ll do tonight or tomorrow. Who knows what’ll happen
this is also just temporary and to make me feel better I’ll say drug influenced crazieness. I love these people but I simply can’t live like this. I find I can’t get my conversational nut here. A quick breakdown of conversations in our scene goes as follows - talking about /planning some future event (which I love that’s like what I’m all about right now ), general drama, then wook jokes and talk, to sex / cuddling and the degrees of sexual frustration. honorable mentions would be zodiac overgeneralizations, and tarrot is integrated in the scene
when is the last time someone read me a poem here? It was definitely Ian though I don’t quite remember when. I lost like a week of real eloquent poliwat and I hate myself for it
the fact is I dont want sleep food drink drugs pussy
oh and I’m not smoking weed - its been 3 days since but that might be perceptual let’s be honest probably just declined a bunch of weed offers and feel cool
but I like my brain without it
that’s not to say we didn’t hit the choomie tea here tonight :) and all week lol, it’s changing my life for the better.
I klove it so much muchae love and I want to share the audio the second I het a decent setup.
also they playe da sweet set at motiv
i don’t want to sleep though my eues get heavy now
but I can feel time ticking - I just need a second wind but the question is will I be able to get…. aha probably, I do every time.
in between making songs we did a little tarrot and bri and I got the same shit for the future which was bacially the nightmare card ahahahaha the worst one arguably, it doesn’t out right tell you to kill yourself yet snarkily comes close.
-=-=-=s 1 ==
oh god just thinking of all the things I didnt write down the last 2 days what a waste what a waste sitting by the fire though the fresh log is going strong now
the following is 7 s’s -==–==-=-=–=-
oh god thats the real name of the day = the
the storm took my telescope
when god throws a storm
when you find yourself engaged in a poe death
there is joy
there is joy cause I felt it
and that makes me more ok with how poe died
its a glorious way to go, so slow and full of terror
pleading for god to help
where your baseline emotional state is tear festival mutiny -
then you cycle from anger to pleading to self deprication to sarcasm…. through so much
and you don’t have control, you’re in a ride
Im a sucker for a good ride
and today (yesterday who cares fuck you everyones asleep so I can finally think) I rode the dying process
the kind of death where you just go find a hole to die in
not talking about many careers - just I got the whole nine yards expodited, military grade laser powered speed rocket transporation. would do again!
its fun when you find yourself in a room, and you intend on dying in that room in the most slow process, glued to the floor
I would have died there if it weren’t for jelly comin in and being pissed I took so long of a shower cause she was giving me a ride and waiting for me
nice to have good friends
if i were to fall asleep who would keep the fire raging in my heart anyways 4 more days best case hope goes far almost died today good friends saved me now im writing in a cafe like past michael knew they would allowing me to sit here and think which in itself is a blessing when I go to sleep who will keep that's why for years I chased friends the fire rages for all those asleep fire few can see let alone feel without burning candle both ends on each appendage pass the torch it my body my body needs what I can't recieve sleep food and me
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I dont just loook good I sound goof