That one time(2nd) Everything Broke Everything

wed 2/25/19 1109 am

just woke up

poliwat gets a new site cause I got a virus and lost everything but an export on the previous one - you can find those logs here https://beta.poliw.at

last night

recorded jordan’s set at take over tuesdat

I worked the door at the back and front and read the simululations of god

and talked about it to whoever asked || bunch of nice people but chris was way too fucked up but he just got back from paris so idk maybe he’s depressed about coming back

started the day off right, got a ride from jacob he showed me a sweet new path to the music building on campus

hungout with david dunn and took apart my laptop with his philips screwdriver

2 dope grad students were in there hanging out as well, I felt very much at home in that room

walked from campus to hunters by burger, and used his longboard to get to the O’Neil house off west cliff

didn’t eat anything but chips with hunter round 6 till brianna swooped me from motiv later in the night around midnight and we tried to eat everywhere around town but it was all closed and I needed a decent meal but ended up at ferrells at like 3 am and it was like enterin fallout like 8 homeless people the asian doughnut guy and us || fun tho

kwanza the bouncer caught me doing coke in the bathroom and was pissed but I didnt get in trouble cause I was working the door earlier oona alex and fuji came out right after me and got yelled at harder than me started the night with 3 beers with hunter then 2 mushroom caps then some molly then some coke then a beer at 99 bottles then a bottle of wine with brianna at west cliff in the storm

currently freaking out about the lost work


brianna and I are fighting

the storm took my telescope, it’s broken out on the deck.

and jelly just broke two glasses aha


wow I had the craziest day

am I savage one sec replying to robert I’m sorry it took this long

was in the ER today

I engaged in a poe death when I got into the shower

but the people around me saved me and long story short I’m here now in the middle of the night and can finally think to myself for a minute while everyone is asleep. This room is fun it’s a slumber partytype scenario, we have jelly brianna ian and fujii all asleep. Jordan’s sleeping in the other room but him me and ian made a newtrack we started around midnight and cleared up just a litle bit ago. It’s sweet, I managed a 1 take wonder on this strange mandolin type spinoff. what are the odds that the first note I played was the root? An instrument I’ve never played before and got everything we needed in a one take across the whole track. It really tied it together at the end.

But I can’t express how I feel about the broken laptop situation.

I found a good poem on the floor of the shower, and recorded halfway through the shower session. that was this past morning. I found myself unable to get up - but somehow got to the bedroom, naked next to the space heater on the floor, and it felt like 3 iterations of the same problem. I couldn’t stand the fuck up.

it took a long time - jelly saved my life

I was going through the dying process in the bedroom there - really fading inbetween the room and dark places. I threw up in the shower but not in the bedroom. but I had snot all over mself and this sacrificial towel that definitely needs to be washed now.

I only recorded about a third of the break down which feels appropriate - I was too busy engaged in it that I didn’t care about recording, but have some muscles that get that shit going out of habit so that helped - GOT FIRE ASS AUDIO AT THE FUCKING ER that’s for sure

I was a little jabby to the people there, they were retards. I told them I need an IV 10+ times and essentially waited 5 hours or whatever it was and they were like we can’t give you an iv and I got a script for nausea


you should’ve just run an IV into me in the waiting room

the popsicles were nice though, I let them melt and slowly sucked

so they’re retarded and I’ll probably see them again soon.

I just got into a dangerous mental state where I chose to die over eat - and took that seriously

In the waiting room brianna read homo deus to me and that book is so stupid but I got a lyric out of it - I’ll pee and find it now

cant find it

I lose my mind when I can’t make art, that’s for sure

There was a solid 20 minutes where I really thought I was going to die, 2-3 20 minute sessions to be exact. it was strange I modulated between snotty, tears, manic laughter, crying for help, and cycled consistently through those 4 modes for about 3 hours total - but luckily no one was around for most of it. Jelly had to pee really bad so she came in the shower and I think she then came in the room and found me on the floor both times, she was great moral support. I got dressed on my own but she helped me find my clothes and I got dressed while glued to the floor. I threw up all overmyself in her car and now I need to clean it tomorrow, and we picked up brianna and dropped us off at the ER

it was in the shower, then in the bedroom, then in the car where I really thought I was going to die.

it felt like one of those artist deaths you hear of - full of terror and pain and quite an arduous way to go. But I had submitted to it. I found myself in a dangerous cognitive state - I wanted to die. I got out of it. I just am going to go through it again I can feel it. I feel this gnawing in every situation while talking to everyone at the house, downtown, and about. It feels a bit like having a metal rod pressing up against the back of your throat and running down your gullet and somehow touching every inch of your spine. I don’t want to live like this, but I just see so many signs it’s hard to ignore

I currently don’t feel like I’ll survive this next year.

I gave my last dime to a homeless lady! Brianna gave her a few bucks the other night.

I just can’t produce well because of technical restraints- I am sitting on 3 broken laptops right now and this one is ubuntu, so I guess I should get some reaper going on here, which I know I’ll do tonight or tomorrow. Who knows what’ll happen

this is also just temporary and to make me feel better I’ll say drug influenced crazieness. I love these people but I simply can’t live like this. I find I can’t get my conversational nut here. A quick breakdown of conversations in our scene goes as follows - talking about /planning some future event (which I love that’s like what I’m all about right now ), general drama, then wook jokes and talk, to sex / cuddling and the degrees of sexual frustration. honorable mentions would be zodiac overgeneralizations, and tarrot is integrated in the scene

when is the last time someone read me a poem here? It was definitely Ian though I don’t quite remember when. I lost like a week of real eloquent poliwat and I hate myself for it

the fact is I dont want sleep food drink drugs pussy

oh and I’m not smoking weed - its been 3 days since but that might be perceptual let’s be honest probably just declined a bunch of weed offers and feel cool

but I like my brain without it

that’s not to say we didn’t hit the choomie tea here tonight :) and all week lol, it’s changing my life for the better.

I klove it so much muchae love and I want to share the audio the second I het a decent setup.

also they playe da sweet set at motiv

i don’t want to sleep though my eues get heavy now

but I can feel time ticking - I just need a second wind but the question is will I be able to get…. aha probably, I do every time.

in between making songs we did a little tarrot and bri and I got the same shit for the future which was bacially the nightmare card ahahahaha the worst one arguably, it doesn’t out right tell you to kill yourself yet snarkily comes close.

-=-=-=s 1 ==


oh god just thinking of all the things I didnt write down the last 2 days what a waste what a waste sitting by the fire though the fresh log is going strong now

the following is 7 s’s -==–==-=-=–=-

``` s1 => toe { (tonight) I'm freezing my feet in solidarity on the deck under the stars we used to use your toe to tell time as it got more blue that was timeless I'll never forget it the storm took my telescope broken parts popped a peroscope I know pero know got his drumset though just played it slow } s2 => thighs { go go thighs you have hit a stage in your life where you move quick and I love it you have go go thighs they go high I get high off your thighs go out to some rainy night on any coastal city bay front just beginning back full and ready thighs } s3 => oldHands { I was in high school when I took a short story fiction class and had to write a new short story each week and one of my favorite ones I can remember is about this girl that would paint in a window with a fake leg but where did memory go? I cant remember if it was a missing leg or arm. and anyways this girl would sit in a window and paint all day and a boy would walk by on his route, in a sort of alley type street and it's funny this girl waas like a fictional version of who I loved. I don't know why but your old lady hands are like the girl with the missing arm or leg or whatever. Not that I love you for your defects - I simply love defects pulled off. your defect isn't a defect thats thw wrong word I'm playing catchup if you are my senior I'm drying my hands in solidarity I'm playing catchup by prtoesting lotion I'm drying out my hands playing catchup with you like a kid I wanna look old match mark of your tongue on something don't get me wrong never been with a girl that had friends that werent shitty honestly honesty best policy but its been a slippery slope lately gotta B in trigonometry my sister next to me got a C that was a fun class wet my dry hands on your ass you pronounce it arse call of duty ya we allies at that we allies at that the decision was easy I admit as much just the execution taking couple years off my life what up Im here when my mind not trained I think after this we'll have to wait a whole month my body already feels it straight withdrawals so I'm drying out my hands playing catchup with the young girl with old hands with toe blue toe that healed toe my field } s4 => { your neck if I am a butcher in love with the chicken you are the neck I am in love with oh the things to do! sharpy maps around that curvature prove the earth's not flat ammeture you're the writer Im the dreamer no writer's are dreamers I'm the doer where's the poser the little one in everyone why's authority I run on what's the integrity of that edge I jump on 4 people in this room are sleeping 2 of the 4 people in this room are snoring 2 of the 5 is in love I got a C in statistics only after the final cause I wasn't trying there were too many sports metaphors in problems that have already been solved yet in this room full attention to you you and oh what I'd do for a minute with your neck at this hour with this fire with this wine oh what wouldn't or couldn't I do you woman divine that was my only corny line I swear ....... often and rarely on time and think a minute of your neck would be worth 20 years prison time long story short you have a long neck not the longest near not the shortest the perfectist you're not burdened as a perfectionist except maybe when your'e writing rine but in my mind } s5 => your eyes { there is not a universe that exists where your eyes analogies are corny but they fit } ``` 7 s's the body as the vehicle


oh god thats the real name of the day = the

the storm took my telescope

when god throws a storm

when you find yourself engaged in a poe death

there is joy

there is joy cause I felt it

and that makes me more ok with how poe died

its a glorious way to go, so slow and full of terror

pleading for god to help

where your baseline emotional state is tear festival mutiny -

then you cycle from anger to pleading to self deprication to sarcasm…. through so much

and you don’t have control, you’re in a ride

Im a sucker for a good ride

and today (yesterday who cares fuck you everyones asleep so I can finally think) I rode the dying process

the kind of death where you just go find a hole to die in

not talking about many careers - just I got the whole nine yards expodited, military grade laser powered speed rocket transporation. would do again!

its fun when you find yourself in a room, and you intend on dying in that room in the most slow process, glued to the floor

I would have died there if it weren’t for jelly comin in and being pissed I took so long of a shower cause she was giving me a ride and waiting for me

nice to have good friends

-==-=-==–==–=-==–=-= 000445AM000000

if i were to fall asleep who would keep
the fire raging
in my heart anyways
4 more days best case
hope goes far almost died today
good friends saved me
now im writing in a cafe
like past michael knew they would
allowing me to sit here and think
which in itself is a blessing
when I go to sleep who will keep
that's why for years I chased friends
the fire rages for all those asleep
fire few can see
let alone feel
without burning candle both ends
on each appendage
pass the torch
it my body
my body needs what I can't recieve
sleep food and me


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I dont just loook good I sound goof

sspeellll good